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Archive for the ‘JOKES CARTOONS’ Category





Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

Phillip said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
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Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

Phillip said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
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(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don’t mess with old people



NO TIME TO SAY HELLO, GOODBYE! A police officer on patrol in Portage,Ind., saw a car speeding through town — at an estimated 100 mph – and swerving from lane to lane and nearly wrecking. By the time the officer caught up with the car, it had pulled into the Nativity of Our Savior Church, where the driver spun “donuts” in the parking lot, nearly rolling the Jeep over, the officer said. Timothy N. Thompson, 23, explained to the officer that he was late for his wedding at the church, and after all, he had his emergency flashers on. When the officer stepped away for a moment, Thompson got back into his car to drive closer to the church. He was again stopped. “Oh, I thought you were done,” he told the officer. “I’m late for a party in Chicago. It now means I have to drive really fast to get there.” He also noted that he had just been released from jail that day. Thompson was arrested on charges of criminal recklessness, reckless driving, speeding, improper passing, and resisting officers, and held without bond. (RC/Northwest Indiana Times) …

Neither monetary nor matrimonial.

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Fraser Coast [Hervey Bay] police ambushed your truly when using a mobile phone whilst stationary at the side of the road.

Their arguement was that the motor was not turned off.

Further to that it was not parked it was said by police???

The matter is to be defended as it is an unfair application of a law that was designed to stop persons from using mobile phones whilst driving and we have all heard of accidents happening in the process of dialling, texting & driving etc.

Doing the right thing by pulling over to talk on a mobile phone as the TV adverts tell us to do seems to hold no weight with the law here at the Fraser Coast Queensland.

In addition there is a loss of 3 points against your license???

Don’t think you are safe when you pull over onto the side of the road to use or answer your mobile phone.

One sees people all the time pulling over to do just that. It seems one has to turn off the motor and park there…or you cop a $300 fine and lose three points off your license.

These are serious consequences for an over fanatical police application of a law here in sunny Queensland

Have the police become parasitic in nature to raise money for the states coffers?

Not a good look to gain the peoples trust in police.

Violent criminals get off with a slap on the wrist, whilst this happens.

Do police in other areas do the same thing to extract revenue from the travelling public?


U.S. police shoot concrete alligator

KANSAS CITY, Mo | Fri Jun 3, 2011 7:48am EDT

(Reuters Life!) – Police in a suburb in the state of Missouri recently encountered one tough alligator — or so they thought.

Officers in Independence, a Kansas City suburb, responded to a call on a Saturday evening about a large alligator lurking on the embankment of a pond, police spokesman Tom Gentry said Thursday.

An officer called a state conservation agent, who advised him to shoot the alligator because there was little that conservation officials could do at that time, Gentry said.

As instructed an officer shot the alligator, not once but twice, but both times the bullets bounced off — because the alligator was made of cement.

The property owner told police later that he placed the ornamental gator by the pond to keep children away. But residents had little to fear.

“There are no alligators around here, we are too far north, it’s too cold,” said Bill Graham, spokesman for the Missouri Department of Conservation.

Gentry acknowledged the incident is drawing a lot of attention.

“In hindsight, it’s humorous,” he said. “But we have to take every call seriously.”

*Bin Laden had a meeting with his people and the consensus was that the ‘eyes’ have it and the motion was carried

Osama bin Laden’s death not only dominated the news, but also fuelled a wealth of comic relief, punch lines and unapologetic crowing from TV’s late-night hosts.

“You seem like you’re in a good mood,” said CBS’s David Letterman, greeting his Late Show audience with a grin. “You folks enjoy the Osama bin Laden season finale?”

On NBC’s Tonight Show host Jay Leno was all smiles, too, as he declared, “It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‘Yes I Did.'”

Jimmy Fallon portrays Donald Trump during a public address about the demise of al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden on his show.Jimmy Fallon portrays Donald Trump during a public address about the demise of al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden on his show. Photo: Lloyd Bishop 

“Great news,” said Conan O’Brien on his TBS talk show. “The world’s most wanted man, Osama bin Laden, is dead. Which means now the official No. 1 threat to America is the KFC Double Down.”

“It was the first Twitter death rumour ever that turned out to be true,” cracked Jimmy Kimmel on ABC.

“Bin Laden is dead!” said Late Night host Jimmy Fallon on NBC — “just like the Republicans’ chances in 2012.”

And on CBS’s Late Late Show, host Craig Ferguson gave extra oomph to his trademark pronouncement, “It’s a great day for America, everybody!”

“I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye,” glowed Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report, adding, “I hope I am never again this happy over someone’s death.”

Colbert’s fellow Comedy Central host, Jon Stewart, was no less effusive on The Daily Show.

“I suppose,” he allowed, “I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!”

Instead, Stewart said, he wanted details. Like, what was the look on bin Laden’s face when he realised “the helicopters overhead were not giving traffic and weather updates?”

Letterman’s Top Ten, “fresh from the State Department”, purported to list bin Laden’s final words, which might have been “I’m not sure I want to live in a world where Fast Five is the No. 1 movie”, or maybe, “I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head”.

The jokes – and there were many – were focused on a handful of basic themes. Like the courageous Navy SEALs who took bin Laden out.

According to O’Brien, “When he heard about it, former President Bush was furious and said, ‘Wait a minute — I could have used seals?!'”

“How about those Navy SEALs?” marvelled Letterman. “They jump out of a helicopter and they break into the compound, and they fire a warning shot into his head.

“Well, the good news is,” he added, invoking another prevalent theme, “bin Laden lived to see the royal wedding.”

“Between the death of bin Laden and the marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William,” Kimmel said, “it’s an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business.”

But what will happen to bin Laden in the next life?

Fallon disclosed that the 72 virgins supposedly awaiting the al-Qaeda leader in paradise had turned out to be “just some dudes watching Game of Thrones on HBO”.

Letterman had another theory: Owing to a screwup in the paperwork, they were 72 vegans.

The comics took glee in lampooning Donald Trump, who, as an undeclared GOP candidate for the presidency, has noisily questioned both Obama’s citizenship and college scholarship.

On NBC, first word of bin Laden’s death pre-empted the final few minutes of Sunday’s East Coast airing of the Trump-hosted reality show, Celebrity Apprentice.

“This,” said O’Brien, “begs the question: How do we kill bin Laden again NEXT Sunday?”

Kimmel observed that, “On the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump, was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.”

And on Late Night, Fallon impersonated Trump in a sketch, stating that Obama “is so scared of me and so desperate for attention that he felt the need to hunt down and kill bin Laden right in the middle of my show”.

Online, much of the comedy reaction revolved around positioning Obama as an action hero. Making the rounds was a picture of a determined Obama and the label: “Everyone chill … out, I GOT THIS!”

Another photo showed a smiling Obama in sunglasses and suit with the caption: “Sorry it took so long to get you a copy of my birth certificate. I was too busy killing Osama bin Laden.”

One of the most popular topics on Twitter through much of Monday was Jack Bauer, the fictional government agent of 24. The Jack Bauer messages typically reflected a pride in the Navy SEALs who carried out the mission.

Steve Martin took his own, pointedly ironic approach to the startling events: “Slow news day,” he tweeted.

But one of the most widespread quotations was from a much older comic legend: “I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

That one was courtesy of Mark Twain.


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